Excerpt from Book #3

"How To Talk To Your Children
About Divorce"

By Jill Jones-Soderman, LCSW &
Allison Quattrocchi, Divorce Mediator, Attorney

How can parents help their children cope with the decision to divorce and continue to promote their children's healthy emotional development?

I. THE CHILDREN WE ALL ASPIRE TO RAISE

The Vision

Each parent has a vision about the type of person his or her child will become. The bond between child and parent reinforces and sustains that vision through all the challenges and complexities of child rearing. Because divorce can temporarily interrupt the commitment as the parent becomes overwhelmed by his or her own emotional rollercoaster, it is appropriate to review the element of character that most of us strive to encourage in our children.

Courage. Ability to be confident enough so he or she can think, explore, try, fail and try again, and be able to see failure as an opportunity for new learning.

Self-Esteem. Ability to sustain a self-image that is separate and unassailable from the images others have of the child. A child wants to feel capable and strong.

Responsibility. Ability to accept praise or blame for actions or choices the child makes and to carry out the roles expected of him or her as a member of the family and of society.

Stability. Ability to hold consistent feelings and image of others because of a history of nurturing and trust.

Capability to Love and to Honor Commitments. Ability to care about others, to sustain emotional attachments, and to be empathetic.

Judgment. Ability to make choices that allows the child to survive, be successful, and thrive in the world.

In sum, we want to raise children to become independent, caring, and self-sufficient adults who are good family members and good citizens.

The Divorce and the Vision

Divorce is an event that must be dealt with and overcome so that the vision you have for your child can be sustained and realized. It is important to remember that the divorce itself will not destroy your child's life. The harm will come from the extent to which you allow yourself to be negatively affected by the challenges created by the divorce - challenges to your goals, your values, your vision for the future, and your attitude toward life. the harm will be increased by the duration and intensity of the conflict between you and your spouse. A high level of conflict produces:

Parental interpersonal hostility that engulfs the child;

• Loss of focus on the child's feelings, ideas, and needs for stability;
• Loss or lessening of the strong emotional bond between the child and each parent
• Interference with the flow of communication between you and your spouse; and
• Decreased stability for each parent to be a positive role model.

Accepting the loss of marriage in a more positive light than you might be inclined at the moment you may help to diminish the duration and the intensity of the conflict. Your children can provide you the opportunity to give a unique meaning and purpose to the parenting relationship outside of your own loss, expectations, and disappointment - if you will allow it.

You behavior and that of your spouse in this situation are also the models that will guide your children's relationships to both of you, their siblings and friends, authority figures, and their own interpersonal relationships in the future. Although it may be overwhelming to accept this responsibility at the time of the divorce, you must give it your best shot. Your children are depending on you.