Excerpt from Book #4

"Taking Control of Your Divorce"
By Allison Quattrocchi, Divorce Mediator/Attorney

What communication and negotiation strategies will help you explore solutions sensibly and facilitate a cooperative dialogue?

I. COMMUNICATION STRATEGIES

Communication between spouses in a divorce is frequently stressful and can very easily get out of control. It is not uncommon for arguments to erupt, ugly comments to be made, and reactions to manifest that jeopardize the ability for you and your spouse to parent effectively, function well in your daily lives, and/or manage your divorce in a way that will contribute to the best outcome for everyone. Anger is understandable. The key is becoming aware of the communication strategies you can employ to manage your anger as well as anger from others. These strategies also help create a more receptive environment for the resolution of conflict. The goal is to make conscious choices about how you conduct your communication and your divorce.

Taking control means being conscious of what you are doing and saying—and why.

A. Separate Your Emotions from the Problem

When you use an emotionally based argument or verbally attack the person (in this case your spouse) with whom you are negotiating, you reduce the possibility of achieving your desired outcome.

1. Step Back from the Emotional Argument.

A marriage is typically the closest of all relationships and your marital history has produced its own set of dynamics. Each of you knows the other's "hot buttons." Annoyances or small grievances that existed within the marriage are magnified when the marriage breaks apart. The dissolution of a marriage shatters expectations, hopes, and dreams, frequently causing extreme pain. The pain results in anger and reactions that may be difficult to bring under control. These are the personal and emotional traps that will destroy or greatly reduce the possibility of a reasonable negotiation. Not for a moment does the author believe it is easy to step back from these emotions. But there is a lot at stake. For your own sake, you must make every effort to identify the real problems you face and to find solutions. You can only accomplish this if you can find a way to separate your emotions from the specific issues, at least when you are discussing them, so you are able to address those issues with a clearer mind.

Your feelings are legitimate, and they may have a bearing on what you believe to be fair-but an emotional argument or request will seldom convince your spouse to do anything to address it. Instead, thoughtfully and calmly tie your arguments or requests to a specific need or concern you have. Try to keep any potential emotional outbreak under control. A high level of negative emotional energy will undermine your ability to be rational, get in the way of staying focused on the problem, and interfere with solutions. It is possible to feel and be thoughtful at the same time. Step back and take a deep breath-often.

An emotional appeal is not a good strategy.