Excerpt from Book #1

"How to Have a Successful Divorce"
By Allison Quattrocchi,
Divorce Mediator/ Attorney

What can you bring to your divorce so it can occur with the least amount of emotional and financial damage to you and your family?

I. CHANGING THE VIEW

The Words

The words you use set the stage and have the power to create the play.

"Shame!" "Failure!" These words usually frame the initial reaction to the announcement of a divorce. Such words reflect out concerns about what our friends and family will think and the loss of hopes and dreams of what our lives were supposed to be. Cultural messages compound our sense of shame and failure. Your first positive step is to take control of that reaction and reframe it in words that are more thoughtful and caring. Divorce is not a failure; it is a sadness. When you change your view, you see differently.

Eliminating Any Need to Blame

Viewing divorce as failure can trigger the need to blame the other person and sometimes yourself for what has happened. Blame feeds anger and creates havoc for the divorcing parties and their children. Anger clouds judgment! Eliminate the need to blame; it only massages your ego and creates pain. Discourage your friends and family from indulging in blame. Offer them and yourself an explanation based only on divorce as a sad reality and invite them to be supportive in a helpful way.

Embracing the Concept of a Successful Divorce

The concept of a successful divorce is as important as the concept of a successful marriage.

Making a commitment in the beginning to the concept of a successful divorce is your choice. This choice will foster a more positive attitude, which, in turn, will improve your experience and your outcome. After all, attitude is the only thing over which you have total control. Your challenge is to move forward and not stay mired in what might have happened or should have been. No one promised you life would be fair. We all have some personal history we can choose to perceive as "unfair." It may well be unfair, but staying stuck there will only keep you stuck there. Jon Kabot-Zinn captured this concept in the title of his book, Wherever You Go, There You Are.